Sep. 8th, 2008 @ 09:21 am
I'm finally out of the obese BMI category and into the merely overweight one. I've done this largely through diet so far (about 20 pounds), but am starting to try and make working out a daily part of my life.
Today, I exercised for 15 minutes doing pushups, situps, various leg lifs. My muscles are burning. I'm going to keep track of how many I can do and try to regularly increase the number each week by 10%.
wall-pushups (as I can't even do girl pushups) - 3 sets of 10.
situps - 10
side crunch situps - 4 per side
lying floor leglifts - 10
v legs - 25
rear leg extenders - 25 each side
side leg lifts - 10 each side
reverse push ups (not good form, but it was enough to make my arms tremble) 10
Didn't really do aerobic activity because I'm still recovering from the cold and have a cough.
Obese people confound and disgust me. I see them and feel ashamed and angry, for I know if I let myself go, I could look like that. I see them making the wrong choices - what to eat, how much, and what to wear. I see them and can't turn away.
I must turn away, before they see the anger in my face.
I am angry because I can relate. I can see their struggle, or lack of struggle, to be healthy. I understand how not dealing with your problems is as simple as turning on the TV, grabbing a box of cookies, and forgetting your life for a while.
I forget myself daily. I forget what I look like, how heavy I am. The disconnect from myself is what keeps me heavy, keeps me from eating things that aren't good for me in vast quantities. It keeps me on the couch while the exercise machine collects dust a few feet from me.
The forgetting is easy, simple to do. I throw myself into books, into movies, into lives of the thin and dramatic. I forget because I don't want to look in the mirror, to face that which bulges at the seams.
I will use any excuse: Stress, no time, working late, counseling friends, have to do dishes so I won't see myself. I won't look in the mirror, and if I do, I don't look myself in the eyes. To be honest with myself means I have to do something about it.
Part of me doesn't want to. Part of me doesn't want to do anything at all. Well, why should I? I'm not 300 pounds, I'll never look like that! But I know I am lying to myself. I can look like that. I can be heavy enough that I can't find normal clothes to wear, can't walk because my muscles are so insulated with fat that they atrophy.
I get angry at fat people because I am afraid. I am afraid to become one of them. I am afraid to be obese, lazy, and be looked at the way I am looking at them, with scorn, with anger.
And so I will try. I will look at myself in the mirror, I will connect with that un-aware self. I will put away the cookies and turn off the tv. I will walk, I will stretch. I do this, even out of fear. I will do whatever it takes to get me off the couch and onto the exercise machine.
Last night was the first full session of yoga - and it felt sooooooooo good. Painful at times, while the muscles were deciding whether or not they wanted to let go of the tension, but there was one moment, after many hip-opening exercises, where I was in Child's pose and K sat on my hips to push thme down further. The relief washed over me like a warm ocean wave - my hips, for the first time in forever, opened and completely relaxed. No tension, no pressure on my tailbone, no spine riding higher on one side.
I'm a little sore on one side of my hips today - the side that is usually tense, but otherwise, it feels good.
I've also been really good about not eating too much - but instead eating smaller portions more frequently. I'm not sure if that is because of the nature of eating at home a lot (restaurant portions are so HUGE!) or schedule, or both. Either way I like it.
Oh, and J's affectionate-you-must-pay-attention-to-me-because-aren't-I-cute cat was a constant companion during yoga. At one point, I was in triangle pose and she leapt onto my back and made herself comfortable. It was rather adorable. I didn't mind in the least.
I'm trying to convince myself to try doing the running thing for the 5K next May. It starts with walking. dunno. I think I'll have to think about that one for a while longer first.
I started the exercise routine in earnest last night, with friends in tow, both at opposite ends of the spectrum. It felt good. not to jinx it, but this time feels better, as far as my motivation to exercise. I don't know how it's different - I'm a little afraid to explore it.
It's nice to wake up with energy - and not be hurting because I'm stiff.
I'm beginning again. I'm starting the process all over again, for they say, "Success is not starting and going until you are done, it's more a series of starts and stops. You just have to keep starting until you reach it."
So I am. I am beginning with Yoga on Monday nights and Strength Training on Thursday nights. Two of my friends are joining me, which will help keep us all motivated. One has never worked out seriously in her life, and the other used to be a runner. Regardless, it's going to be nice to have exercise buddies.
I'm not looking at drastically changing my diet right now, until I get in the habit of exercising. I will quietly watch what I eat (portion size and nothing after 8) and splurge with moderation in mind - One cinnamon roll, not two, or three.
I have successfully been cutting out things like soda, refined sugars, and other foods that really aren't good for me, but it's been slow to change my eating habits. I've also been eating smaller meals with food inbetween - an all day grazing.
I am also seeing a therapist on a regular basis - I have for so long used my weight as insulation and protection that for me to lose the weight, I also need to face the fears that put it on in the first place. The psychological burdens are the hardest, and since I've not dealt with those behaviours, then I can't keep the weight off.
Before the wedding, I was 195 - which was pretty good for me as I had maintained that for several months without serious exercise. Then the stress of the wedding, not sleeping well, and dealing with relatives hit, and the last month before the wedding, I packed on 10 pounds. Not Good.
My current stats:
Weight (from Doc's office): 212
Weight (my scale at 8:00 a.m.): 206
Pant size: 18
Shirt Size: L or XL, depending on cut
To drop to a size 12 pant, and somewhere in the 150/160 weight range.
There it is, and we begin again.
|» (No Subject)|
I've been nervous eating this week. I'm back up to 195. I'm so unhappy about this. I need to restructure how I handle stress. I need to find time to exercise regularly and not be so addicted to the computer that I use all my spare time vegging in front of it instead of making myself healthier. Yes, I'm isolated in many ways because I've got no money to go out and most of my friends are far away. And I recognize that I use the computer as my social support. But I don't want to be heavy. I don't want to weigh over 200 pounds ever again. I was thinking about taking up coffee. I don't like coffee, but I've heard it's an appetite suppressant, and if you drink it black, it doesn't really add calories. Of course, the downside is that caffiene affects your bloodsugar exactly the same way as candy does. Bleh. I'm going to work on it. I don't want to feel like an ugly doughy lump when people come in April. I really don't. I want to feel attractive and fit for anything.|
|» weird things|
Well, since I've gotten pregnant, I've obviously not been concentrating on weight loss, but I'm noticing odd things - I seriously think my body likes being pregnant. |
I already look like I did at 5 months with Walt. But I'm noticing that my butt and legs and arms are shrinking, as my belly grows. I'm only assuming this is because I'm actually drinking lots of fluids, and eating less junk (Because it makes me really sick to eat it. I guess that's a good thing). I'm eating more veggies and fruits.
Just to illustrate my point - the jeans I was wearing this spring - the ones that were the size 15 - I have been wearing them instead of maternity pants because even the maternity pants would fall off me. But now these are falling off me. For a little while, they fit OK. The size 13s I have fit fairly well, but the button on them is right where the baby is, so it's not comy to sit in. And the tens fit, except for not buttoning around my already pregnant belly.
Weighed in at 165 when I was at the doctors office the other day - so I've gained maybe 5, 10 pounds in this whole getting pregnant scheme - I'm pretty sure most of it is water retension. My fingers are all sausagey, and my ankles are filling out. Gotta cut the salt. I figure I'll end up around 180 again, and have to slowly work my way down.
Too bad I'm not like, 5'6" instead of 5'1" - then I could still look pretty decent at 180. Stupid shortness.
|» unexpected surprises|
Well, I decided to cut out soda from my diet - and High Fructose Corn Syrup - which is a challenge, because it's in everything under the sun. I've also stopped eating after 9:00 at night.|
I've kept whole sugars in, in small quantities, like in juice and fruit, limited intake.
I think - after 1 1/2 weeks of this, that it is directly contributing to my weight loss of 5 pounds. I've not been exercising as much, and I've been eating well - lots of fresh foods, whole foods, and more balanced meals.
5 pounds. I'm a little amazed. Kind of a nice surprise.
Thought I would share this small victory with fabulous women. ;)
Well, on the one hand, my body is still getting smaller. On the other, my weight is not going down anymore - I think I've hit the weight loss limit for yoga/pilates/bellydance. I do seem to have more muscle, though, and my body fat percentage is now at 40.2%|
So I think I'm going to get a gym membership so that I can take some classes in something more aerobic - I think I want to do kickboxing again, I really enjoyed that a few years ago. I think I need to do more workouts where I get my heart rate up - I'm enough in shape now that the things I've been doing no longer tire me out.
Today I am going to go buy some size ten pants!!!eleventy1! The twelves I have been wearing now slide off without unbuttoning them (and since Walter loves to use me as his standing tool, he pulls them down a lot). I know I'm not close to an 8 yet - I still have some, back from when those *were* my "fat pants" - I can put them on, and button them up, but I get major camel toe and that ever so attractive "Bloused Flesh" look from my loose baby skin piling up on top of the waistband. So definately not an 8 yet. *shudders*
It seems to be going so slowly - and I have to keep reminding myself that the weight itself isn't what matters, but the shape of the body. But when I look at that scale and see the weight creeping back up to 160, I still get depressed, even though I know it's muscle.
Well, I know I really am getting skinnier, even though I don't think I look it.|
On Tuesday when we went out to dinner, I wore some size 9/10 slacks. Take that, size 15 jeans!
I've got a pair of nice wool slacks that used to be size ten, but the accidentally got washed in warm water, and are now around a size 7/8 - those are my goal pants, and I'm almost there!
I'm thinking another ten pounds should get me there.